Monday, March 20, 2017

M for Might Not Be

Few days ago I went out for dinner with a friend. Dia nak g umrah. Saya lupa nak jumpa dia dan mintak maaf.   jadi saya tunggu di pekan Slim River.

Dia terlewat, saya balik mandi, azan Maghrib berkumandang, so kitaorang solat dulu. Tu yang gigih dinner. Or else,  kalau dah masuk rumah, tidaklah saya sudi keluar lagi.

As usual I m so happy for her.
Tapi yang saya sedihkan, perasaan sedih dan cemburu langsung tiada.
Dulu2 saya akan rasa sedehhh sangat kalau kawan2 dijemput menjadi tetamu Allah.
Tapi not with her...

Dont get me wrong.
It is not about her. It is me...

I keep thinking,  where all d feelings gone..

Then,  on Friday I started feeling unwell. The usual. Severe.

Spent my time on d bed on Saturday,  except when Abg Ngah b family came. I dont even cook for them, let alone going out getting food. Lousy host.

When we bid goodbye, I slept on n off because the pain was so unbearable.  I tried to minimise d painkiller because dihujung2 nanti perut saya pedih dan saya memang tak tahan.

But then, on Sunday night,  d pain just so much to bear,  painkiller is the only option.
Resulted, I can go out today n complete my intended task.

After Maghrib,  d pain came back. ThIs time quadraple. I tried to remind myself that everything is in my mind, but I failed miserably.
As much as I hate it, painkiller is the only solution.

After almost 2 hours taking the ponstans, d pain never subside.
😭😭

To be honest, saya tak merungut. Maybe I cried a bit, tapi to blame d fate, really not in my DNA.  He had given me amazing life so far. I m thankful for d 6,7 years yang saya sihat sejahtera tak payah fikir pasal painkiller langsung, let alone nak kemana2 kena tengok kalendar dulu..😂

Those were the years yang saya berangan nak menjadi DuyufurRahman.
Those were d years yang saya konfiden sangat dan ikat perut nak pergi ke sana...
I wept bila tak dapat pergi..

Recently perasaan tu hilang.
Rasa rindu pun dah takder..
I was thinking,  deeply, what is wrong with me...

Tonight I realised d reason why.
As I wrote up there, I m not whining.
He had grant me 6,7 wonderful years, for that I m so grateful.

Now He gives back all d dugaan which I had to endure earlier in life.
I m grateful too. I learnt a lot about life when in pain.

When d excruciating pain became worst, I just knew,

Impian memang sewajarnya kekal dalam mimpi dan tak perlu dikejar lagi.
Lupakan saja.


Oh well... Kadang2 dunia ini memang kejam.


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